Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*