Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
HERE’S MARKY
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently