Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.