Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Kids: Stay in school.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?