Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
waiting for halloween be like:
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?