Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.