Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
i’m sure it’s fine
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.