Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“What?”
– Jude
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please