Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
You Might Also Like
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving