Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK