Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
me: my friends:
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell