Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

that wasn’t the question

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

I’m not lazy

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”