Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!