Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.