Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
good morning
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
A short story about romance.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.