Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.