Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
aesthetic
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?