Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i choose….tongue
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
How high do the levels go?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.