Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
You Might Also Like
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.