Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics