Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

I came this close!!!!

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Spring of Deception