Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
the greatest twitter interaction
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Something Saturday.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Lmfaoooooo
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME