Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Holy crap this is wonderful
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it