oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”