Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill