Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
no cat here
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.