Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”