Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
same but as an audience member
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!