Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.