Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.