Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.