oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
seriously you guys
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According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Most Common Source of Electricity
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.