Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Hey Fugeddaboutit

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.