oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
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You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?