Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.

Truth

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”