oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Overindulged this afternoon.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]