Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.