“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live