oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
79.
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My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…