Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…