Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong