Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

[seaworld]

“Hey what happened to the new guy?”

-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6

“But there’s a shark in tan..”

-BINGO!

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

#oldknees

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?