Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
rip to my favourite tweet
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan