Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.