Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Perfect

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur