Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*