Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks