Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Winnipeg!!
me
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Sticker placement is key.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids