Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

You better wish for more oil

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.