Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
You Might Also Like
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Lmao
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Ok but actually
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.