ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.