@AIcohoIgames

Oh, you’ve already put up your Christmas tree?

That’s nothing. I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.

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@DanMentos

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

@better_off_dad

*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
*click
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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@clichedout

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@Donna_McCoy

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

@henchbeaver

Things that make me irrationally angry:

• fire ants
• random clicking sounds
• hangnails
• brass or gold accents in home décor
• mayonnaise

@trevso_electric

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

@3sunzzz

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

@Vahn16

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve