Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
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You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.