Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack