Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
You Might Also Like
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Shower sex be like: