Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.