Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

I came this close!!!!

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.