Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
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If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.