Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
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Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!