Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

I’m Sold!

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Bread puns are on the rise!

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho