Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Arrest that man!

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.