Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.