Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what