Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

Hmmmmm

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Golf would be better with landmines.