“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.