“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.