“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
real
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos