Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
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It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump