Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
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announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I think this should do it.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
stand with me against insufficient seating
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say