Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
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[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The cashier just checked me out.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.