“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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Seems legit
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…