ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Every haunted house movie:
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
i’m sure it’s fine
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please