ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
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Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Where’s my employee discount too?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
🤣🤣🤣🤣
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Investing in beetcoin
based al yankovic
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.