ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.