Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

me at the job i begged god for

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

A recipe for laughter

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today