ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*frowns in Scottish*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.