ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew