Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

ㅤ

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for