Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Tough love is true love
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Weighing up my bread heating options
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
