Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
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At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
All. The. Damn. Time.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good