Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

ㅤ

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.