Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Omg 🤣

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*